So it was 8.11 in the morning and the bus was picking me up at 8.20. I tell you what…. it was like the first scene in Four Weddings and a Funeral with Hugh Grant jumping around shouting a quintessentially English “Oh Fuck” to himself, the difference being I was jumping around shouting a quintessentially Cockney “Fucking Muppet” to myself!!!!
So I woke Vicky up and had to explain, in a panic, that she had to get up cos I had to hand the sheets in and check out within minutes!!!! My head really wasn’t working cos of the beers the night before and every command my brain gave my body seemed to be both delayed and misinterpreted…. I was all over the place!!!! I gave up trying to be quickly methodical in my efforts at speed packing and just resorted to throwing everything in!!!!
So I got ready, packed and checked out within just less than 15 minutes, which meant I was 5 minutes late and there was no bus!!!! Fucking Muppet!!!! But then thought and hoped the bus might be late so chilled and spent some last moments with Vicky (nice girl)….. then the bus turned up, lucky enough being 10 minutes late!!! Nice one!!!
So, says me goodbyes and jumps on the bus with my head still really not working properly and a Canadian couple being really nice, but continually trying to engage me in conversation. Really didn’t need that, but didn’t have the heart to tell them to “Shut the fuck up…. I’m really not interested!!!”. Resorted to searching my bag for my walkman and the entire contents of the bag went over the floor just before we picked up a group of Japaneses!!! Oh my God…. you wouldn’t believe how long it took me to collect everything back up and fit back in my bag, before they could get in!!! I just started drinking gallons of water, hoping that’ll sort me out.
Anyway, we gets to airport and the driver asks me what terminal I need to be dropped at. I was like “Brother… I got no idea…. but I’m going to Ayers Rock if that helps”. So he took me to the one he reckoned was right and as I got my back pack off he asked me for my ticket for the bus. I had no idea where it was and so had to unpack all of my bag on the pavement!!!! Found the ticket and the geezer drove off, leaving me to repeat the packing exercise again…. I was really bored of it by then!
Anyhow, I goes through and checks in and goes through to departures….. then it hit me…. I’d booked the bus pretty early so I would be one of the first to check in so I could guarantee myself a window seat so I could see the outback from the air as we flew across it. My head was in such a state I’d completely forgot about that plan and hadn’t asked for a window seat. I looked at my boarding pass and was gutted to see the letter D by my row number. FUCKING MUPPET!!!! That’s blatantly not a window seat!!!
I immediately rushed back to the counter to see if I could have it changed but by that time all the window seats had gone. The women said I could ask the flight attendants on board and they might be able to do something, but probably not. Oh well, I thought, but then had a Basil Fawlty moment and really wanted to punch a flower!!!! 🙂
Later I proceeded to board and once on the plane I explained the situation to the flight hostesses. One of them, Chinese looking and called Lee Lee (nice touch), took my boarding pass and looked at it. She said… “Oh, you were 55th to check in…. you could’ve got a window seat at that time”…… I looked at her and said “Well thanks for that……that makes me feel so much better”
……she laughed ……… I didn’t!!!!! 😦
But then they said that I should wait there and they’d see what they could do. It was a picture, they were walking up and down the aisle asking people if there was anyone sitting there etc, really trying to sort me out, then I got the signal…. they’d found one!!!!…. and it was by the fire escape…. bonus!!!! So I sat down, but then the other hostess explained that “There still might be a couple more people to board and I may have to move, but fingers crossed hey”. Then I saw a couple of people walking down the aisle……. I knew where they were heading, but intensively tried to keep myself in denial. I thought “If only I was an ostrich, then I could bury my head in the sand and no one would notice me”. But I wasn’t and apparently they don’t do that anyway!!!…… and then the inevitable….. “Excuse me, I think you might be in my seat”….. dont you just hate that line!!!!!
Oh Bugger!!! So I got up and went to find my allocated seat, and guess what….. some bastard was only sitting in it!!!! So I used the killingly annoying line and he went to get up, but then I said “Oh, dont worry mate”. The hostess said I could sit where I wanted, so I went back to the fire escape aisle and ended up having a half decent view anyway.
Three and a half hours later, my heads finally sorted and I got my first view of Ayers Rock. It was amazing. And from then on some wonderful manifestations started to occur.
love and light,
Miller
The Adventures of Miller 