First of all, I wanna just say thanks for all the positive replies I’ve been getting since I started journalising my travels. Its nice to know people are enjoying them and appreciating me sharing my experiences.
Well, you’ll never guess what bloody happened after I finished my last mail to you……… I left the internet place to go and meet the French guys at what I thought was 2.25pm, but when I got to the place where I was meant to meet them, they weren’t there and I discovered it was almost 3 o’clock!!!!! ALL the bloody clocks in the internet place had been set to the same bloody wrong time!!!!!! Either that or I’d just walked into a different reality and lost half hour of my life!!!!!! 😉 I couldn’t bloody believe it!!!! And so it was now too late to get a mini bus or taxi cos of the traffic, and a tuk tuk was out of the question. I didnt know what I was gonna do….. then it came to me ….. A MOPED!!!!
So I went hunting for anyone with a moped to give me a lift. After a few knock backs I eventually came to a propa moped stand and asked a guy how much to the airport. He said “300 bart”…. I said “Bro, I’ve been told its 150” (I hadn’t…. it was a pork pie!!!)….. He said “No, no, its 300” (it wasn’t… that was a pork pie!!!)…… I said “Look, I can give you 200….that’s all I’ve got” (saying pretty much the truth!!!) ….He persisted “250”….. and so I persisted “200”……”250!!!” he demanded….. and so I goes “Bro, you can either earn 200 bart or you can sit on your arse all afternoon sunning your face… what’s it to be?”.
With that he snatched the money from my hand and gave me a pink helmet to put on!!! I said “Bud, I’m really not into helmets…. especially pink ones!!!”. He said “You must…its the law”. I thought fuck it…. I really need to get to this airport!!!!
So off we screeched, me with a pink helmet and my backpack on, on what was gonna turn-out to be the ride of my life!!!! The geezer was a nutter!!! I said at first “Bud, you do realise I’m not in a rush now”. But he just kept saying “Its ok” while patting me on the leg and asking me to keep my knee in!!! He was taking diabolical liberties on this moped at every turn and we were flying through the traffic at up to between 80-100 km an hour, missing cars and buses by inches! I think the deal was he was trying to teach me a lesson for winning the bartering round by trying to shit me up! But what he didn’t bargain for was the fact that I was absolutely bloody loving it!!!!!
At every “near miss” I was shouting in his ear combinations of “GO ON SON!” – “NICE ONE!” – “HAVE IT!” – “YOU’RE FUCKING MENTAL MATE!” and laughing!!! After one near miss, however (a woman cyclist had decided it was a good idea to cycle SLOWLY straight across a three lane carriage way!!!!!), I thought I’d better do a bit of a spiritual thing and visualise myself arriving safely at the airport. That done, I felt free to enjoy the experience again!!! 🙂
It was funny though, as we were speeding along the highway we touched 100k and the wind was tearing my eyes apart. I thought “Should’ve worn me sunglasses”. Then I had a panic…. What did I do with my sun glasses??? ……”Oh for Christ’s sake, I haven’t lost another pair of sunglasses have I???” I thought……”What a bloody muppet!!!!” (I keep breaking or losing sunglasses for some reason). Then I went to protect my eyes with my hand and found I was bloody wearing them!!!!!! We were going that fast!!!! 🙂
Mid way we stopped to fill up with petrol and the guy had a dialogue in Thai with the pump attendant. I tried to join in by imitating the guy on the moped and saying “This guys crazy!” They looked at each other, said something in Thai and laughed. I goes “Bro…. what did you say?” and he said “You…(then pointing to my groin area)…..Big Dick!” and laughed while nodding his head!!! 🙂
So we gets to the airport safe and sound, and I’m thinking “I gotta give this guy a bit of a tip…. you’d pay 30 quid for a ride like that at Blackpool Pleasure Beach!”. So I hunted my pockets for any bart coins I had left and gave him them. I said “I wish I could give you more mate” and he eyed up the sandwiches I had in my carrier bag…. so I gave him one and he was very pleased!!!! I said “Thanks bud” and he said “Good luck to you!” and sped off. So I got the ride of my life for 200bart, some shrapnel and a sandwich!!! And you dont get value like that at Blackpool … or Southend!!!!!! 🙂
Anyway, I goes and checks in and as I’m going through passport control, there before me are the French dudes. Once through, as I had no money left, they chipped in and got me a beer with them…. viva la France! Turns out they’ve got friends in Berlin too, so we made a plan to meet up for the world Cup in Germany next year. England, Germany and France….. fuck the European Union…. lets just play football!!!!
Next stop…. Aaauuuussssstttrrraaaaalllliiiiiaaa!!! 🙂
Love and Light,