This particular “adventure” is one of my original emails and I’d like to let you know, in this moment, that the “adventures” from my originally written emails are ended “Love and Light” and the ones I have written more recently are ended “Lots of Love”. I feel the need to explain that because this particular “adventure” goes so much deeper than anything else I have written or am (probably) ever going to write and I feel the need to preference this because at times, in my original emails, I feel I went too far in the things that I said and the things that I shared. That can happen when you write so much “on the edge” sometimes you “overstep the mark” and reading back, on this particular one, I “overstepped the mark” more than it was right for me to do and I don’t feel good about it. All I can say is at the time I felt the need to write with complete freedom, and I didn’t hold back at all, and if I hadn’t had the courage to do such a thing none of these “adventures” would have ever been written, and certainly not in a the manner that was completely authentic to who I am…. and I think that was the biggest point… being true to who I am. I am very sorry for the things I wrote that may have been “too much”, but I don’t regret anything because it was all part of the path I had to take for this journey to be recorded.
I’d also like to make you aware of this:
At the end of 2009 I returned to Barking, after making an attempt to live in Cornwall, and I was on the floor again. I had no desire to continue with life and over that New Year period I hardly got out of bed as I waited for my life to end. My Mum was finding it very difficult to help me, but then Nicole miraculously appeared in my life again. She saw the state I was in and then wouldn’t leave me alone! She popped around to see me every day and phoned me constantly (with some of the conversations lasting hours!). She had a go at me (in a good way!), gave me advice and constantly motivated me. She simply wouldn’t let me fall… even if I wanted to… and I had no choice but to get back on my feet… and as soon as I did… she disappeared from my life almost as quickly as she had arrived back in it… but I was so very grateful to her… and even my Mum is thankful for what she did for me at that time.
During that time we spoke about the “adventures” and what I had shared, and although she said she was shocked about what I had written, she didn’t have a problem with it; a few years later I went on to start sharing the “adventures” on an “Adventures of Miller” facebook page and I did so with her blessing. I was so very grateful to her for that too because it meant a lot to me and I felt her blessing was needed. And now, I am equally grateful too because I feel the next part I am about to share is so important to this story and I’m pleased to be able to tell the parts that matter.
Thank you for giving me that freedom, Nicole, and for being there for me when it mattered.
“Free All Angels” 🙂 ……. With Lots of Love, Lee …….
About a month before I left England, to go around the World, a girl started working at a place where I worked…… and from the very first moment I saw her…. I wanted her. I noticed she had a ring on her wedding finger and I asked her cheekily one time “Are you engaged then?” …… “Well…. practically” she replied, almost in a non-conclusive way. I didn’t know what to make of that answer and so I simply left it at that.
One day, after I finished work (and on the day of West Ham United’s victory parade after winning the play-off final and getting promoted back into the Premier League!!!) I started heading home in my usual direction, and then, all of a sudden, an intuition stopped me dead in my tracks. I stood there for about a minute wondering what I should do, and then I had a feeling that I should walk the opposite way back through Barking town centre. God knows what I must have looked like to someone who might have been watching me!!!!….. some kind of monkey I guess!!! 🙂 But I followed the intuition and walked back into town.
As I passed the bus stops, there was Nicole looking quite down and….. stressed? I caught her eye and she gave me the biggest smile……. she looked so beautiful… it was the type of smile which, when you receive it, makes you just melt inside. J I asked her how she was and if she wanted to go for a coffee or maybe a cup of tea 🙂 “Why not!” She said, with a beautiful smile, once again, while jumping coolly at the offer :-). So we went into the Vicarage Field shopping centre and headed for the coffee bar…. to buy a cup of tea!!! 🙂
We sat down at a table and for the next 45 minutes or so I was just telling her my funny stories of the shit I’d been getting up to, and she was loving every minute! I was already noticing that she was looking at me in a very special kind of way and I couldn’t help but be mesmerised by her eyes……… they were so deep….. there was so much there. I told her of my latest episode of funny experiences…….
…… I’d finished work one Friday and was gonna meet up with a bird and do one up London…… but the bird had blown it out…….. something to do with her hair…. or her hair dryer!!! 😉 I was pissed off, but thought…. fuck it…….. I still wanna go up London and so I walked into Barking. I was passing the Spotted Dog pub when “something” told me I should go in there. Whatever was talking to me said I would know someone in there…. which isn’t anything special considering I grew up in Barking!!! 🙂 . So I bowled in and had a butchers around the pub….. but I couldn’t see anyone I knew!!!! What were the odds in that?!!!!….. whomever you are you’re a twat!….. I thought to whomever it was who was guiding me!!!! 😉 So I began to walk out the door and then, just as I was walking through it, I turned and some geezer nodded and waved at me….. it was Mark, a bloke I used to work with, as a lifeguard when I was a teenager, and who I always seemed to bump into whenever I returned to live in Barking! 🙂
I went and joined him and his friends….. Dave (who I also knew from my days at college) and Laura…. a South African girl working in Barking. After a few beers they were talking of going up London!!!!….. I’m up for that I enthusiastically informed them!!!! 🙂 So we leaves the pub and jumps on the underground, heading for London Town…. and while we’re sitting on the tube me and Mark starts getting into a deep conversation about relationships….. He revealed to me that he was Gay and we talked quite openly about our relationship experiences (his being homo and mine being hetro) in full earshot of everyone around us…. it was Friday night so you can imagine about the amount of people who were on the train!!!! 🙂 At one point I noticed a geezer staring at us, wide eyed and in disbelief!!!!….. and I goes to Mark “I think we’re freaking this fella out……. you alright there bro?” I then said turning to the guy!!! 🙂 He instantly turned away and at the very next stop ran!…. Yes, I said ran!!!!…… outta the carriage and I saw him get on the carriage next door!!!!!!! 🙂 QUALITY!!!!!!! How funny was that!!!!!!! 🙂
We got up London, had some bevies and when we was in a club later, Laura (who was Mark’s best friend) told me that that was the first time that Mark had ever spoken out in public about his homo-sexuality…… and that it was months after they’d become friends that he had even revealed his sexuality to her. She told me she was amazed to hear our conversation on the tube. “Along with that freaked out geezer!” I joked!!! 🙂
The club was shit, so we decided to move onto another one and, as we were walking down Tottenham Court Road, we passed G-A-Y Historia….. the biggest gay club in Europe. I immediately goes to Mark “Lets do one in there mate….. you never know…. tonight might be your night and you might meet the guy of your dreams!!!” J. He goes “No, we cant…. I dont expect you guys to go in there.” I goes “I dont mind…. I’m up for it…. I aint ever been in a gay club before and I’m pretty cool with my sexuality, so its all gravy to me.” Laura goes she didn’t care, but Dave…… well… being your average Dagenham boy…. he was finding the decision quite hard to take…….. as I think he was afraid of taking something quite hard!!!!!! 😉 But he gave way and came in….. while hoping that his decision would be the only thing he’d be taking for the rest of the evening!!!! J I’m only joking….. he was good as gold!!! 😉
An amazing thing happened to me when I went in though….. and a thing you would think only happened in American student movies!!!….. we went straight up to the top floor, to put our coats in, and I clocked this blonde bird who started to walk over to me. She walked straight up to me and said “I’m a straight woman and I wanna convert a gay guy”….. as a heterosexual man, what are you meant to say to a line like that…. “I’m converted!!!!” was the line that came straight to my head and I snogged her!!!! I’d been in the club 3 minutes and I’d already pulled!!!! What kind of night was this gonna be?!!!!! 🙂
More of the same it turned out!!!!! I had a fantastic time. As I’d not changed after work I was wearing a thick jumper and it was so fucking hot in there…. I’d seen all the gay guys walking about bare chested….. so I thought… “What the hell…. fuck it!” and ripped me jumper off!!! At this point even Mark looked at me and said “Are you sure you’re not gay?”…”No mate…… I’m all gravy!!!!” I shouted above the sound of music and gave my jumper to Dave for him to look after. Dave didn’t leave the same spot all night. It was handy…. because while he was looking after his arse…. it meant he could look after our stuff too!!!!! He was good as gold!!! 🙂
At one point I started chatting to this bird and she goes “I’ve never been here before. I’m only here cos my brothers gay”…. and I was like “I’m the same…. I’m only here cos my mates gay”. She goes “No way!…….. you’re blatantly gay!!!!”…. and I goes “No I’m not!!!”…. and she said “Yes you are…. no straight guy would ever go about a gay club like that!!!”…… and I said ”Well…… you’re looking at him!!!!”…. but she wouldn’t have it!!!! Later on though, and in between me snogging another bird on the dance floor, she came up to me and said…. “Ok…. I was wrong!!!!” and gave she me her number!!!! 🙂 …. Blimey!!!…. Gay Clubs Rule OK!!!! J
And that was the thing was……. it was such a great night in the gay club because there was no hassle and no insecure “small little big men” wanting to prove themselves….. and all night long I only had one gay guy try and “pick me up”, and all he said was “You look in good shape…. you must work out”…. and I replied “Well, I do a few press-ups every night, you know what I mean” with full “Del Boy” guise and expression!!!….. and he scarpered!!!!! 🙂 You see they know…. they just know if you’re straight or bend the other way!!!! 🙂 I had a fantastic time and pulled 5 birds by the end of the night…. and Mark pulled too!!!! 🙂 …. what a night!!! 🙂 In fact, it was so good that me and Laura went back there the following week!!!! Sweet as!!!! 🙂 ….
……… Nicole loved listening to me and was cracking up!!!! But then she started telling me how unhappy she was in her relationship. She said she didn’t feel like she had any freedom and didn’t even go out anywhere. She was only 19 and every moment of her life appeared to be ruled by her relationship. She’d been in it for years and was wondering what to do….. “It doesn’t sound positive and you’ll have to find your way” is all I felt I could say.
She wanted to go out and have fun, so I mentioned that West Ham had got their victory parade that evening and we could go and do one down the pub afterwards if she wanted “It should be a good night” I said. She appeared to love the idea, so it was sorted, and we started making our way out of Vicarage Fields. We said our goodbyes and Nicole wandered off to get her bus and I began to walk the opposite way but then I suddenly felt stuck to the spot once more….. there was that voice again!!!! I stayed there for another minute or so, and then started running back towards her bus stop. I didn’t know what I was doing or what I was gonna say, and as I got to the bus stop Nicole was just getting on the bus. She looked at me and I said “Whatever you decide to do, just follow your heart”. She said “You ran all that way just to tell me that?”…. I nodded and she smiled and looked at me with the kind of eyes that no one had ever looked at me before :-). Then she got on the bus and kept eye contact with me, for as long as she could, as the bus went along the road and into the distance. At the time I said them, I never knew that those words had anything to do with me….. but I also knew that this girl already felt special to me….. I just knew it…. I’d never felt this way about anyone before……. I desired her so much……… and on more than just a sexual level.
So I went home and put my shirt and glad rags on ready to meet her at the parade, and on the way there I got a text saying that she couldn’t meet me…… I was absolutely gutted…. more than I should have been…. but continued on, all the same, and watched the parade on my lonesome with about 50 thousand other people!!! And it was great seeing Anton Ferdinand doing his jig and hearing Alan Pardew giving his speech from the Boleyn Ground balcony…….. and seeing Teddy Sheringham with his big smile….. he seemed to be very happy wearing the claret and blue!!!!!! Irons!!!! 🙂
After the parade, I walked down Green Street and then chucked a left by the Boleyn Pub and into Barking Rd, where I happened to see Nicole, across the road, with her family. Nicole clocked me and signalled she’d come over, so I waited across the road. She came over and I felt a bit uncomfortable with her family being so close, but she looked so happy to see me and impressed by my attire…. I just thought she looked so beautiful and so sexy….. I just wanted to take her there and then, and kiss her with all of my being…… and I wanted to know how she’d feel in my arms.
We spoke for a bit, but then I had to say goodbye. It just felt so difficult for me to stand so close to her and not be able to hold her. I could feel myself falling head over heels for her, uncontrollably so, and all I could think to do was continue walking along the Barking Road to get home. I had a peculiar sensation all the way back home…… I felt ill….. I felt like something was overwhelming me and making me feel sick. When I eventually got home I immediately went to the toilet and wretched above it, but nothing came out. I actually wondered if this was some kind of Spiritual warning to me or if this was what it was like to be “Love sick”!!! The truth was it was probably both. I wanted this girl too much and it wasn’t going to be good for me!!!
The next week, after work, Nicole came home with me. In the car she asked me “What’s your perfect woman was like?” And I said… “Pretty much like you” with a smile on my face and she reflected it back :-). We went in, spoke for a bit and ended up making love. It felt so special and when I was inside her she spoke sweet nothings to me which made me feel so good. As I continued feeling inside of her, I looked deep into her eyes. I felt like I was swimming in her soul……. she felt amazing to me. Every time our lips touched, I felt sensual sensations vibrating through my body……… and after we reached our climax…. I immediately started to feel concerned….. I hadn’t used anything and I’d promised myself that I wouldn’t do that…… but she reassured me and I felt better……..the thing is, the fact that I came inside of her made our bond feel even stronger…… I didn’t regret it and nor did she……. it felt right.
I was so into this girl…. the next day at work it took every ounce of our strength to keep us from kissing each other and stay professional. I felt so good around her and no one, in all of my life, had ever looked at me with eyes like she did before…….
A few years before, I was in a pub with my dad on the Lancashire moors, and I asked him about love and how you would know if you’d met the right girl. My Dad then said to me the wisest words I’d ever heard. He said:
“You know when you’ve met the right girl, Lee, because when she walks in the room, the room lights up and nothing exists in the world but her.”
It was a proper father to son moment….. I felt like could even hear Boyzone singing their cover version in the background!!!!! 🙂 And that’s exactly how it was with Nicole….. it had finally happened to me…….. and I’d never felt like that for anyone else before in my entire life.
………. her eyes were so deep and the expression on her face was full of so much……. devotion, it was as if every time she looked at me, she reached in and touched my heart. I felt mesmerised in the most wonderful way by her at times……. and I’ve never felt the same sensation walking down the street holding a girls hand before….. it felt amazing to be with her…….. I felt like everyone was looking at us …….. but no one could touch us…….. I’d never felt so good and secure with a girl before……… and it was a revelation to me. I felt like she was truly mine and we were full of so much adoration and affection for each other.
It was my last couple of days before I was due to leave and go around the world, and Me and Nicole went back to my place, after we finished work, and made love……. a couple of times…… and after the second time I remained inside of her….. then she looked into my eyes and told me that she loved me…….. and as I looked deep into her eyes…… although I couldn’t quite say that yet, something within me told me that I would do so…. and soon.
Later, we went to the Spotted Dog and had some farewell drinks, then, on the way home, I asked if Nicole wanted to pop in and see my family. “What…. you want me to meet your mum?” she said and gave the biggest smile “I’d love to!!!” she said holding me even tighter. So we popped in and I introduced her to my little brothers, and my mum and her fiancé. It felt so comfortable and not awkward at all. It felt soooooo good. 🙂
After that we returned back to mine, and the feeling of love was beginning to overwhelm me. She felt so special to me and I felt so special to be around her….. the thing was we’d connected on all levels…… sexually, spiritually, emotionally and intellectually. I felt like I could share anything with her and she seemed to understand. No matter what I talked about with her…… I didn’t get that blank expression which says…. “What the fuck are you talking about?”. And I felt I understood her more than I’ve ever understood anyone else before in my life. I just felt like I knew her.
We spent a beautiful night together and it was so good to wake up with Nicole for the first time……… to hold her and caress her face and her body. She felt like poetry in my arms…… surrounded by the most wonderful music! 🙂 I couldn’t believe I was leaving the very next day…… life seems so cruel at times….. but then I wondered if she would come with me!!! 🙂
We got through my last day at work and that night Nicole joined me late….. and I felt so pleased to be spending my last night in England with her. The next morning we were going about Barking buying all my last bits and I felt so free with her……. I was doing my usual routine….. by making the female shop assistants laugh and harmlessly flirting. Nicole was great with it and seemed to enjoy it as much as me…… she knew she had my heart. Then in the afternoon we met up with my mum, little brothers and Dave for a last Pie and Mash at the Eastbrook before I left. I cant tell you how happy I felt sitting with her, and my family, in the pie shop that day….. all I can say is that I’ve never experienced a happiness like it before in all of my life.
There’ve been many times in my life when I’ve been ecstatically happy for long periods of time….. but this was different….. this was broader and deeper and so much more complete……… I’d never felt such a complete happiness before………. I felt like I was bathing in it…… I was swimming in it….. I felt so much warmth and completion….. I had the most beautiful and wonderful girl by my side……. she looked like an angel to me….. she was so feminine and especially so in her pure white dress….. I simply adored her :-).
Afterwards, my mum dropped us off at mine and I had an hour to pack…… I always leave it to the last minute!!!! 🙂 And Nicole just watched me :-). I gave her the shirt I’d worn to the parade and down the pub for her to “look after” while I was gone……… she held it close to her heart and cherished it…… I fucking loved this girl!!!! She randomly offered me some stamps which I declined saying “Babe…. I’m leaving the country… what am I gonna do with them?” She just smiled. 🙂
Then we went to the station with my mum, little bros and Dave, saying goodbye to them there as me and Nicole got on the underground. It was tough saying goodbye to my family, but I still had Nicole with me and I asked her if she wanted to see me off at the airport. She said she couldn’t because there was something she had to do. I didn’t want to let go of her!!!! The train rolled into her station and we kissed and said our farewells…… and as the door on the train began to close Nicole called out…… “Dont forget me!!!” ………… How the fuck could I possibly do that?!!!!
As the train pulled away I got my last look of Nicole standing there on the platform and she looked like the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen in all of the world and in all of my life. I realised I’d fallen head over heels for her and she sent me a text saying “I feel like I’ve just lost a part of myself”…… “You and me both” I thought as I read her text on the train.
When I got to the airport I realised there was a book I wanted to send to her and so I had to buy some STAMPS!!!! She was proving to be quite intuitive too and I loved her all the more for it 🙂 ….. but that love was coupled with an amazing sense of loss……… and when I boarded the plane, to fly to Bangkok, I felt an emptiness and sorrow that I’d also never experienced in my life before…….. and that journey, from London to Bangkok, was the loneliest journey I have ever made.
Love and Light,
Miller
The Adventures of Miller 